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Disclaimer: Please note some of these jokes are not politically correct or scripturally accurate, they are to make you laugh. Try this book! It works! Proverbs 17:22 (KJV) A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.

LONG WHITE HAIR & BEARD
One day, Jesus was walking by the Pearly Gates, when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes.
Jesus agreed & in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach with long white hair & beard. “How did you spend your life on earth my son?” asked Jesus.
“I was a simple carpenter for sixty years” replied the old man.
“And what do you hope to find here in heaven” asked Jesus.
“I hope to find my son” said the man.
“Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find him?”
“I'll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands & feet,” states the old man.
Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment & says, “Father???”
The old man looks at Jesus & says, “Pinocchio?”


HARLEY PULLED AT 120 MPH
A guy bought a new Harley & got onto the interstate to see how fast it would go. As he got up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing blue light behind him. He sped up to 120 but the highway patrol was still on his tail.
He finally pulled over & the cop came up to him, took his license without a word & examined it & looked over the new Harley. “I've had a tough shift & this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your speeding that I haven't heard before I will let you go!”
“Last week my old lady ran off with a cop,” the biker said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice night”, said the officer.


WATER IN THE CARBURETOR
Biker Joe's Old Lady comes home & tells her husband, “Dear, something is wrong with my bike. I know it has got to be water in the carburetor.”
Biker Joe replies, “There is no way that is possible.”
“Well,” says his wife, “I'm telling you that's the problem.”
Biker Joe gets up & sighs, “OK, fine. Where'd you park it?”
His Old Lady points toward the backyard, “In the swimming pool.”


YUPPIE BIKER RUNS STOP SIGN
A police officer had just pulled over a yuppie on a new Harley for running a stop sign. “May I see your driver's license & registration please?” the officer asked.
“What's the problem, officer?” the yuppie replied.
“You just ran a stop sign.” the officer said.
“Oh, come on, pal, there wasn't a single car anywhere in sight.”
“Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, & only then proceed with caution.”
“You've got to be kidding me!” the yuppie said.
“It's no joke sir.” the officer said, pulling out his book & preparing to write a ticket.
“Look I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one, & proceeded with caution!”
The officer sighed & slowly shook his head. “Sir, you’re supposed to come to a complete stop & you didn't. Now, may I see your license & registration?”
“You sure do have a lot of time on your hands pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed this early?” the yuppie asked sneering.
“SIR!” The officer sighed. “I'll over look that last comment now let me see your license & registration immediately!”
“I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, & coming to a complete stop.” the yuppie said, folding his arms across his chest.
A smile appeared on the officer's face. “Sir, I can do better than that.” The police officer quickly jerked the rude guy off his Harley, & proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. “Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”


THE FASTEST MOTORCYCLE
A man goes out & buys the best & most expensive motorcycle available, a 2019 Turbo BeepBeep. He takes it out for a spin & while doing so, stops at red light. An old man on a moped pulls up by him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the motorcycle & asks “What kind of motorcycle ya got there, sonny?”
The dude replies “A 2019 Turbo BeepBeep that costs $3,500,000.”
“That's a lotta money! Why is it so expensive?” asks the old man.
“Cause this bike run 320 MPH!” states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks “Can I sit on it?”
“Sure” replies the owner.
So, the old man saddles up & looks at all the gauges in awe. He gets back on his moped & says “That's a pretty nice motorcycle, alright!”
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his motorcycle can do. He floors it, & within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear-view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhoooooooooooosshhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe twice as fast! The guy wonders “what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?” Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! Whhoooooooooooosshhh-BLAM! It plows into the back of his bike.
The guy jumps off & discovers it is the old man! The guy runs up to the dying old man & asks “You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?”
Old man replies “Yeah, unhook my suspenders from your mirror.


A BRIDGE TO HAWAII
While riding along a California beach, a biker saw the sky split suddenly & then heard the booming voice of God say “Since you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The biker pondered this awhile & then said, “Lord, I would like a bridge to Hawaii so I can go there anytime I want.”
The Lord said “Can’t you think of a request that would honor & glorify my name.”
The biker thought about it & finally said, “Lord, I wish I could understand my wife. Please give me the ability to know how she feels, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what her hopes & dreams are, what she really means when she says nothing is wrong & how I can make her truly happy!”
God pauses & then replies “How many lanes do you want on that bridge to Hawaii?”


DOBERMAN VS POODLE PUPPY
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx & clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man & said, “It's my dog. Why?”
“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.”
“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the heck kinda of dog do you have?”
“Sir,” answered the little man, “It's a four-week-old poodle puppy.”
“Bull!” roared the biker, “How could your poodle puppy kill my Doberman?”
“It appears that your Doberman tried to swallow it whole & choked on my poodle puppy, sir.”

BIKER & MEXICAN BORDER
A biker tries to cross the Mexican border on a motorcycle with two big bags strapped down to his rear fender. The border guard asks, “What's in the bags?” Biker says, “Sand!” The guard wants to examine them, so the motorcyclist gets off his scoot, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, & the guard inspects... only to find sand. The biker straps the bags of sand back onto his scoot & goes on across the border.
Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated... “What have you there?” “Sand” “We want to examine.” Same results... nothing but sand & he is on his way again.
Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the old biker didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown & says to him, “Buddy, you had us crazy. We sorta knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything, but what were you smuggling?”
The biker says, “Motorcycles.”


BE QUIET PASSING ROOM #7
A biker arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, “Denomination?”
The biker says, “Methodist.”
St. Pete looks down his list, & says, “Go to room 21, but be very quiet passing room 7.”
Another biker arrives at the gates of heaven. “Denomination?”
“Lutheran.”
“Go to room 14, but be very quiet as you pass room 7.”
A third biker arrives at the gates. “Denomination?”
“Presbyterian.”
“Go to room 17, but be very quiet as you pass room 7.”
The biker says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different denominations, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 7?”
St. Peter tells him, “Well the Baptists are in room 7, & they think they're the only ones here.


ATHEIST & LOCH NESS MONSTER
Biker George heard this story about an atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland.
One day, all of a sudden, the Loch Ness monster attacked & grabbed him from his boat.
He panicked & shouted “God help me!” & suddenly, the monster & everything around him just froze.
A voice from the heavens boomed “You say you don't believe in me, but now you're asking for my help?”
The atheist looked up & said, “Well, ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.”

PRAY FOR BUBBA'S HEARING
Bubba wasn’t his happy self when he came to church on Sunday. After church he didn’t leave right away as he usually does either. Instead, he bowed his head & put his head in his hands like something wasn’t well.
“What's wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor laid hands on Bubba's ears & prayed for several minutes.
When he was done, he asked, “So how's your hearing?”
“I don't know,” said Bubba. “It isn't until next Tuesday.”

JESUS IS GONNA GET YOU
A thief broke into a Christian Biker's house late at night when he heard a voice say “Jesus is gonna get you.”
The robber ignores it, grabs some more valuables, then he hears it again... “Jesus is gonna get you.”
The robber starts to get a little worried & then notices it's just a parrot & says “What's your name, birdie?” “Moses.” “What idiot would name you Moses?”
“The same idiot who calls his rottweiler Jesus.”


ANYONE KNOW HOW TO PRAY?
A Christian Biker takes one of those cruise ships to the Bahamas.
There was this real bad storm raging when the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
The Captain gave a desperate shout out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”
The Christian Biker stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.”
“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets… we're one short.”


MEAN DOG & LITTLE UGLY DOG
There was a big tough biker who owned a big tough Great Dane. Now this Great Dane was a very mean dog… definitely not the kind of dog you want jumping up in your lap.
One day, as the biker was walking his Great Dane, he saw a guy walking a little bitty dog with short legs no tail & no hair. It was an ugly dog, & frankly it looked sick.
Suddenly the Great Dane saw the little ugly dog across the street & decided he hated that dog. He broke free from his owner's leash & dashed across the street on the attack. The owner of the Great Dane yelled at the man, “Look out! My dog is on the loose & he is liable to kill you & that dog of yours! You had better run!”
The little ugly dog just looked up at the viscous dog as it was almost on top of him. Then the little dog proceeded to grab hold of the Great Dane at the foreleg & began to eat that big dog up. It ate right up the leg, right up the throat, ate its head, right down through the body, right across the tail, right down the back legs, spit out the bones, & smacked its lips… & that was the end of the mean Great Dane, just like that.
Well, the owner of the Great Dane was absolutely astonished by what he had just witnessed. “Man, what kind of dog is that?” the man exclaimed. “I've never in my life seen a little dog that could do something like that!”
“What Dog?” the other man said. “Before he got his nose & tail ran over by a big truck this was an alligator!”


BIKER DRANK BRAKE FLUID
While working on a motorcycle, a mechanic accidentally swallowed some brake fluid & he actually liked the taste.
The next day he decided to have another swig & enjoyed it so much that he told his friend.
His friend said: “You shouldn't be drinking brake fluid. It's bad for you.”
But the mechanic was hooked, & drinking some every day. His friend was really worried about him.
“You've got to give it up,” he insisted. “Brake fluid is poisonous.”
“Don't worry,” said the mechanic. “I can stop anytime.”


BIKER CHICK MOPPED FLOOR
A police officer responds to a shots fired call & jumps into his squad car with blue lights & sirens blaring.
He gets to the house & is briefed on the situation.
He then calls the station & tells them, “I have an interesting case here.”
“This biker chick shot her old man for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor's still wet.”


BAPTIZED IN CHURCH POND
What a glorious day it was when Biker Bob & his old lady had Little Johnny baptized in the church pond.
However, Little Johnny cried all the way home in the back seat of their truck.
Bob kept asking him what was wrong.
Finally, Johnny replied... “That pastor said that he was looking forward to seeing me being brought up in a good Christian home!
But I really want to stay with y'all!”


BIKER GEORGE PASSES GAS
Biker George was in a restaurant full of people all over the place, when he desperately needed to pass gas.
He couldn't hold it in any longer, & since the music was really loud, he timed his reliefs to the beat of the music.
After a couple songs, he started to feel better.
George finished his drink, & noticed that everybody was staring at him...
That was when he remembered he was listening to his iPod.


BIKER PAINTS TO EARN GAS MONEY
An old scruffy biker runs out of gas in front of a beautiful mansion with a shiny new Cadillac parked on the side. He knocks on the big door & asks the lady who owns the house if she could spare a few bucks for gas.
The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says, “If you paint my porch for me, I'd be glad to give you $20.
There's some green paint & a brush around the corner over there, have at it.”
He thanks her, & heads for the paint & brush.
After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress, & she sees that he hasn't even started on the porch yet.
Just then, she hears a knocking again at her door, & goes to open it. She is greeted by the old biker with green paint
splattered on his clothes & in his beard, a wide grin on his face. “All done mam, & by the way, it's a Caddy, not a Porsche.”


FATHER CAUGHT SPEEDING
Father O'Malley was riding his Harley on Christmas Eve when got stopped for speeding. The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath & then saw an empty wine bottle sticking out of a saddle bag.
The officer said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'
'Only water', replied Father O'Malley.
The cop asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'
The priest looked at the bottle & said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


TELL A DUMB BLONDE JOKE?
Biker George is at a rally & asks a biker chick sitting next to him if she wants to hear a dumb blonde joke.
The biker chick replies “Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 240 lbs. & I'm a professional boxer.
Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2”, weighs 245 lbs. & is a professional wrestler.
Next to her is a blonde who is 6'5”, weighs 250 lbs. & she's a world champion kickboxer.
Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?”
George thinks about it a second & says: “Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times.”


BIKER GEORGE & HORSE RIDING
Biker George had a near-death experience which changed his life forever.
This life changing event came about when he decided to go horseback riding one day.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control.
George tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off & his foot became caught in the stirrup. When this happened, he landed head-first to the ground. His head continued to bounce harder as the horse would not stop or even slow down.
Just as he was giving up hope & losing consciousness... a thoughtful K-Mart manager came out & pulled the plug.


LITTLE GUY & THE BIG BIKER
A little guy gets on a plane & sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big heavily tattooed biker plops down in the seat next to him & immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big biker up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, & so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big biker, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket & an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer & he pukes all over the biker's chest.
About five minutes later the big biker wakes up, looks down, & sees the vomit all over him. “So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling better now?”


TEXAS BIKER & GREAT BEYOND
A biker from Texas died & went to the Great Beyond.
As he approached the great gate, he didn’t see the streets of gold off in the distance but noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery.
He saw the gate keeper & said “Howdy Saint Pete… this looks sorta like where I come from in Texas.” I appreciate you fixing this place up to be like my homeplace in Texas! I'm sure I'll feel right at home here.”
“The gatekeeper replied, “First of all, I'm not Saint Pete & second, you really don't know where you are, do you?

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