Saints MM - South Central North Carolina
CHRISTIAN BIKER JOKES
"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine"
These are some of the jokes that have
been shared at our monthly meetings. The most recent ones are at the top of this
list. Some of these are originals and were made up from scratch and can't be found
elsewhere. Some of these were heard elsewhere, some have been found here and there,
some of them tweaked, adjusted, &/or changed. Proverbs 17:22 says... "A
merry heart doeth good like a medicine"
It's a dark scary night on the bad side of town where a pretty young Christian
lady locks her cell phone & keys in her car.
Shaken with the situation, she bows her head and asks God to please send her
some help. Within a few minutes a grungy mean looking biker on a loud rat bike
pulls up. The woman thinking she is about to be brutally murdered, mutters under
her breath Thanks God, but I really didn't want to die this way.
The heavily tattood & pierced biker jumps off his bike and approaches her,
asking if he could help. She says with a nervous stutter, "Yes, I've locked
my keys in my car. Can you help me?"
He picks up an old rusty hanger from the gutter, bends it, raises it above his
head & plunges it down inside the window towards the door lock and in a
few seconds he opens the car door. She suddenly hugs the nasty looking biker
and through her tears she says, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice
The biker replies, "Lady, I'm not a nice man. I just got out of prison
today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugs him again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank
you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
A BMW rider went on vacation via one of those Harley-Davidson Cruise Ship deals.
Half way through the voyage, the ship sank and he ended up in a three-man lifeboat
with two Harley riders & the ship's captain for a total of 4 people.
The captain announced that someone would have to get out. "We'll do it
right though," he said. "The three of you will be given a fair test
and the loser will jump out."
Everyone agreed, so the captain turned to one of the Harley riders and asked,
"What was the largest ocean liner to sink in the past century?"
"Right," said the captain. Turning to the other Harley rider, he asked,
"How many people were on the Titanic?"
"That's correct," the captain stated.
Fixing a hard eye on the BMW rider, he then said, "Name 'em."
Two priests were speeding down the highway on a Harley. They were stopped by
a cop who said, "What do y'all think you're doing? You were going mighty
fast there, Father."
The priest says, "We were just taking the bike for a test run."
The officer shakes his head. "I'm probably gonna have to give you a ticket
cause riding like that just ain't safe. What if you had an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you! Three people are
not allowed to ride on one motorcycle!"
Harley pulls up to a Catholic Church and an old drunken tattooed biker staggers
through the doorway and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the old biker says
The priest then knocks loudly on the wall in a final attempt to get
him to speak and start his confession.
Finally, the drunken biker replies:
"No use knockin' bro, there's no paper in this one either."
State Patrol sees a motorcycle puttering down the middle of the interstate at
22 MPH & he says to himself, "This is just as dangerous as speeders!"
He turns on his lights and pulls the bike over. Approaching, he notices it is
an elderly gentlemen with a wide eyed, white as a ghost biker chick on the back.
old biker obviously confused, says to the officer, I don't understand, I
was doing the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving way slower
than the speed limit can also be a danger to you & other drivers."
was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old biker
says a bit cocky. The State Patrol, trying to contain a chuckle explains to him
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
the old man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out the error, and started
to ride off.
The officer says "Hold on... Before I let ya go, I have
to ask... Is your passenger OK? Your ole lady seems awfully shaken & she hasn't
muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, she'll be alright in
a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
young truck driver pulls into a diner and orders a hamburger, french fries, and
While sitting at the counter, a group of bikers pulled in, started acting
rowdy, spilled his coke, grabbed his burger & fries and ate them, threatening
to beat him up if he says anything to anyone about them.
He quietly gets up,
pays for his meal, walks out and drives off.
One of the bikers said to the
waitress: "My, that trucker wasn't much of a man, was he?"
said: "No, and he's not much of a driver either, he just ran over six motorcycles!"
was a beautiful sun shiney day when a biker decided to skip church this one Sunday
to go riding in the mountains. As he was going around one of the sweeping curves
he saw a huge grizzly bear in the middle of the road. He swerved to miss it and
just barley grazed it. The bike lost traction because of loose gravel on the side
of the road and then went over the edge and began tumbling down the side of the
mountain with the angry bear chasing him. Finally the bike came to a rest after
it crashed into a boulder and the biker landed hard up against a giant tree breaking
both of his legs. As the bear closed in, the biker cried out in desperation, "Lord,
I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make
that bear a Christian." Suddenly, the clouds parted and a beam of light shown
down on the bear. The bear skidded to a halt at the biker's feet, fell to its
knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I
am about to receive."
bikers die in a major accident and arrive at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter
greets them and says before they ever enter Heaven, "Whatever you do, don't
step on the ducks!" Well the bikers thought that this was a very odd thing
to say, but when they enter Heaven, they look around and there are ducks EVERYWHERE!
1st biker was talking to the 2nd and, not paying attention, stepped on a duck.
St. Peter appears at his side with a pair of handcuffs and a very ugly woman.
"Now that you have stepped on a duck, you shall be chained to this hideous
looking woman for the rest of your days here."
A few weeks later, the
2nd biker suffers the same fate. Now the 3rd biker is determined to not step on
a duck. Years go by, and he's yet to step on a duck. All of sudden St. Peter appears
with the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on and handcuffs them together
and walks away without saying a word.
The biker asks the beautiful lady "Whatever
have I done to deserve this?"
"I don't know about you, but I stepped
on a duck" says the woman.
Three Bikers, a Sport Bike Rider, a BMW Rider and an Harley Biker were sitting
in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a continuing beeping sound. The Sport bike Rider
pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
That was my pager, he said, I have a pager micro chip under
the skin of my arm. A few minutes later a phone rang. The BMW Rider lifted
his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, That was my cell phone.
I had a small proto-type implanted in my hand. The Harley Rider felt really
low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece
of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared
at him. The Harley Rider finally declared
Well, will you look at that,
Im getting a fax!
Once upon a time there was two Christian bikers that have been riding together
for several years. They always seem to see eye to eye on most all spiritual matters
except for one. Roadkill insisted that Jesus was white and Tyrone was sure Jesus
is black. As fate seem to have it, they both died the same day and with anticipation
they strolled up to the pearly gates together and asked St Peter to tell them
if Jesus was white or black. Just then, Jesus happen to come up to the gate and
greets them saying "buenos dias amigos"!
An old biker is laying on his death bed. He wants to take his Harley with
him. So he tells his old lady to have his bike put on the roof telling her that
he would grab it on the way to heaven. The biker dies. A few days later his old
lady and club members see that his Harley is still on the roof. His wife shouts
out I knew we should have put his stuff in the basement!
guy in a car pulls up to a group of motorcycles. He rolls down his window and
asks the leader if he could give him directions to the Post Office. The biker
tells him take a left at the next light and its about a mile up on the right
with a big sign that says US Post Office. The man in the car tells him thank you
and says, by the way, Im the new Pastor in town. If would like to come to
my church on Sunday Ill give you directions to get to heaven. The biker
looks at him and says No thanks, you cant even get to the Post Office!
unemployed hard core biker whose bike got stolen asked God for a Harley, but after
thinking about it, he figured that God doesn't work that way... So he stole a
Harley and asked for Gods forgiveness.
Christian Biker went to Post Office to get some stamps. The clerk behind the counter
asked him What denominations? The biker said Has it come to
Then let me have 25 Charismatic, 10 Baptist, 10 Methodist, 10
Lutheran, and 5 Catholic.
biker wanna be appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the
Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of mean bikers who were threatening
a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the
face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the heck out of all of you!"
Peter was very impressed and asked. "When did this happen?"
a couple of minutes ago."
Foreigners boarded a flight out of London.
One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an American
Biker sat down in the aisle seat by the two Foreigners.
After takeoff, the
Biker kicked his boots off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Foreigner
in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
Don't get up," said the Biker, "I'm in the aisle seat; I'll get it for
As soon as he left, one of the Foreigners picked up the Biker's
boot and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other Foreigner said,
"That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Biker obligingly
went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Foreigner picked up his other boot
and spat in it. When the Biker returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Biker slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately
what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.
"How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred?
This animosity? This spitting in boots and peeing in cokes?"
ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big old burly man on a black
Harley, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"
"No! said the boy and he kept on walking. The biker pulls up to him
again and says; "Hey kid, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"
"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker. The
big old biker pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you
$20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride." At this point
the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the
motorcycle, so YOU ride it!!
old farmer is trying to keep his farm going until his biker son can get out of
jail to help him with everything. The farmer emails him in jail wishing he could
help him plant the potato crop. The biker emails his father back: Dad, dont
go near that field. Thats where all my guns are buried. But, because
he is in jail all of the biker's emails are censored, the sheriff and his deputies
catch this and they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire field looking
for guns. After two full days of digging, they dont find one single weapon.
The biker writes back to his dad, "Hope that the sheriff & his deputies
helped you out some...that's the best I can do from inside here!
biker is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him.
The biker can't do anything & hits the sparrow. As he looks in his rear view
mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the tender hearted guy he
is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, while
it's still in a coma. When sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through
the bars of the cage and says, "OH NO! I must have killed the biker!"