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CHRISTIAN BIKER JOKES
"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine"


These are some of the jokes that have been shared at our monthly meetings. The most recent ones are at the top of this list. Some of these are originals and were made up from scratch and can't be found elsewhere. Some of these were heard elsewhere, some have been found here and there, some of them tweaked, adjusted, &/or changed. Proverbs 17:22 says... "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine"

2013-01-11
It's a dark scary night on the bad side of town where a pretty young Christian lady locks her cell phone & keys in her car.
Shaken with the situation, she bows her head and asks God to please send her some help. Within a few minutes a grungy mean looking biker on a loud rat bike pulls up. The woman thinking she is about to be brutally murdered, mutters under her breath “Thanks God, but I really didn't want to die this way”.
The heavily tattood & pierced biker jumps off his bike and approaches her, asking if he could help. She says with a nervous stutter, "Yes, I've locked my keys in my car. Can you help me?"
He picks up an old rusty hanger from the gutter, bends it, raises it above his head & plunges it down inside the window towards the door lock and in a few seconds he opens the car door. She suddenly hugs the nasty looking biker and through her tears she says, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The biker replies, "Lady, I'm not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugs him again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"


2012-12-14
A BMW rider went on vacation via one of those Harley-Davidson Cruise Ship deals. Half way through the voyage, the ship sank and he ended up in a three-man lifeboat with two Harley riders & the ship's captain for a total of 4 people.
The captain announced that someone would have to get out. "We'll do it right though," he said. "The three of you will be given a fair test and the loser will jump out."
Everyone agreed, so the captain turned to one of the Harley riders and asked, "What was the largest ocean liner to sink in the past century?"
"The Titanic."
"Right," said the captain. Turning to the other Harley rider, he asked, "How many people were on the Titanic?"
"2463"
"That's correct," the captain stated.
Fixing a hard eye on the BMW rider, he then said, "Name 'em."


2012-11-09
Two priests were speeding down the highway on a Harley. They were stopped by a cop who said, "What do y'all think you're doing? You were going mighty fast there, Father."
The priest says, "We were just taking the bike for a test run."
The officer shakes his head. "I'm probably gonna have to give you a ticket cause riding like that just ain't safe. What if you had an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you! Three people are not allowed to ride on one motorcycle!"


2012-10-12
A Harley pulls up to a Catholic Church and an old drunken tattooed biker staggers through the doorway and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the old biker says nothing.
The priest then knocks loudly on the wall in a final attempt to get him to speak and start his confession.
Finally, the drunken biker replies: "No use knockin' bro, there's no paper in this one either."


2012-09-07
A State Patrol sees a motorcycle puttering down the middle of the interstate at 22 MPH & he says to himself, "This is just as dangerous as speeders!" He turns on his lights and pulls the bike over. Approaching, he notices it is an elderly gentlemen with a wide eyed, white as a ghost biker chick on the back.
The old biker obviously confused, says to the officer, “I don't understand, I was doing the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
The officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving way slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to you & other drivers."
I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old biker says a bit cocky. The State Patrol, trying to contain a chuckle explains to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the old man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out the error, and started to ride off.
The officer says "Hold on... Before I let ya go, I have to ask... Is your passenger OK? Your ole lady seems awfully shaken & she hasn't muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, she'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."


2012-08-10
A young truck driver pulls into a diner and orders a hamburger, french fries, and coke.
While sitting at the counter, a group of bikers pulled in, started acting rowdy, spilled his coke, grabbed his burger & fries and ate them, threatening to beat him up if he says anything to anyone about them.
He quietly gets up, pays for his meal, walks out and drives off.
One of the bikers said to the waitress: "My, that trucker wasn't much of a man, was he?"
The waitress said: "No, and he's not much of a driver either, he just ran over six motorcycles!"


2012-07-13
It was a beautiful sun shiney day when a biker decided to skip church this one Sunday to go riding in the mountains. As he was going around one of the sweeping curves he saw a huge grizzly bear in the middle of the road. He swerved to miss it and just barley grazed it. The bike lost traction because of loose gravel on the side of the road and then went over the edge and began tumbling down the side of the mountain with the angry bear chasing him. Finally the bike came to a rest after it crashed into a boulder and the biker landed hard up against a giant tree breaking both of his legs. As the bear closed in, the biker cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian." Suddenly, the clouds parted and a beam of light shown down on the bear. The bear skidded to a halt at the biker's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."


2012-05-11
Three bikers die in a major accident and arrive at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter greets them and says before they ever enter Heaven, "Whatever you do, don't step on the ducks!" Well the bikers thought that this was a very odd thing to say, but when they enter Heaven, they look around and there are ducks EVERYWHERE!
The 1st biker was talking to the 2nd and, not paying attention, stepped on a duck. St. Peter appears at his side with a pair of handcuffs and a very ugly woman. "Now that you have stepped on a duck, you shall be chained to this hideous looking woman for the rest of your days here."
A few weeks later, the 2nd biker suffers the same fate. Now the 3rd biker is determined to not step on a duck. Years go by, and he's yet to step on a duck. All of sudden St. Peter appears with the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on and handcuffs them together and walks away without saying a word.
The biker asks the beautiful lady "Whatever have I done to deserve this?"
"I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck" says the woman.


2012-04-13
Three Bikers, a Sport Bike Rider, a BMW Rider and an Harley Biker were sitting in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a continuing beeping sound. The Sport bike Rider pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager, “he said, “I have a pager micro chip under the skin of my arm.” A few minutes later a phone rang. The BMW Rider lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, “That was my cell phone. I had a small proto-type implanted in my hand.” The Harley Rider felt really low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Harley Rider finally declared… “Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax!”


2012-03-09 #2
Once upon a time there was two Christian bikers that have been riding together for several years. They always seem to see eye to eye on most all spiritual matters except for one. Roadkill insisted that Jesus was white and Tyrone was sure Jesus is black. As fate seem to have it, they both died the same day and with anticipation they strolled up to the pearly gates together and asked St Peter to tell them if Jesus was white or black. Just then, Jesus happen to come up to the gate and greets them saying "buenos dias amigos"!

2012-03-09 #1
An old biker is laying on his death bed. He wants to take his Harley with him. So he tells his old lady to have his bike put on the roof telling her that he would grab it on the way to heaven. The biker dies. A few days later his old lady and club members see that his Harley is still on the roof. His wife shouts out “I knew we should have put his stuff in the basement!”


2012-02-10
A guy in a car pulls up to a group of motorcycles. He rolls down his window and asks the leader if he could give him directions to the Post Office. The biker tells him take a left at the next light and it’s about a mile up on the right with a big sign that says US Post Office. The man in the car tells him thank you and says, by the way, I’m the new Pastor in town. If would like to come to my church on Sunday I’ll give you directions to get to heaven. The biker looks at him and says No thanks, you can’t even get to the Post Office!


2012-01-13
An unemployed hard core biker whose bike got stolen asked God for a Harley, but after thinking about it, he figured that God doesn't work that way... So he stole a Harley and asked for God’s forgiveness.


2012-01-13
A Christian Biker went to Post Office to get some stamps. The clerk behind the counter asked him “What denominations”? The biker said “Has it come to this!!! OK… Then let me have 25 Charismatic, 10 Baptist, 10 Methodist, 10 Lutheran, and 5 Catholic.”


2011-12-09
A biker wanna be appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of mean bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
"So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the heck out of all of you!"
St. Peter was very impressed and asked. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."


2011-11-11
Two Foreigners boarded a flight out of London.
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an American Biker sat down in the aisle seat by the two Foreigners.
After takeoff, the Biker kicked his boots off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Foreigner in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
" Don't get up," said the Biker, "I'm in the aisle seat; I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Foreigners picked up the Biker's boot and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other Foreigner said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Biker obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Foreigner picked up his other boot and spat in it. When the Biker returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Biker slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and peeing in cokes?"


2011-10-14
A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big old burly man on a black Harley, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?" "No!” said the boy and he kept on walking. The biker pulls up to him again and says; "Hey kid, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back" "NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker. The big old biker pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride." At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the motorcycle, so YOU ride it!!


2011-09-16
An old farmer is trying to keep his farm going until his biker son can get out of jail to help him with everything. The farmer emails him in jail wishing he could help him plant the potato crop. The biker emails his father back: “Dad, don’t go near that field. That’s where all my guns are buried.” But, because he is in jail all of the biker's emails are censored, the sheriff and his deputies catch this and they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don’t find one single weapon. The biker writes back to his dad, "Hope that the sheriff & his deputies helped you out some...that's the best I can do from inside here!”


2011-08-12
A biker is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker can't do anything & hits the sparrow. As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the tender hearted guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, while it's still in a coma. When sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, "OH NO! I must have killed the biker!"